Lifes a rough ride
The past few days have been a rollercoaster ride for sure. Possibly one of thoose white knuckle jobs :). Heh.
I’ve been slowly packing up the house, cleaning, organising, etc. On Monday I didn’t do much, I woke up with Millie, after a rather nice night. A good experience, if you get my drift, experimenting is fun.
So we chilled in the morning. She went home, we got washed, then both went up to uni. She sorted our France stuff, I went to check and download my email, as well as IRC a little.
We went home to mine, we sat talking, we kinda got playful, and before we where gonna have sex she wanted us to stop. Which really put me in a bad mood. But for two reasons a) blue balls b) I assumed that there was something up, perhaps with me, that worried me.
I wouldn’t tell her the reason behind it. She tried to get it out of me, but I wouldn’t tell her. She apparently shy’d away because she doesn’t “like” having sex done to her, she prefers to be doing it. If you get my drift, she said she had been told once that she always did it, she just couldn’t change.
So she went, I rang her later and invited her back and told her about it. We sat and played The Sims for a bit. She eventually went home.
I went to bed, woke up on Tuesday, went to town to the post office to arange post redirection for 3 months for my Stafford address. Had a large McDonnalds, as I always seem to do when I’m in town.
Millie came over in the evening for a glass of wine, she had been to see Phil and Paul in Leicester for the day, shopping. She’s apprently got a lot of new stuff, although all useful….. appart from the Barbie Doll. 
It turns out the reason that she was moody yeasturday, or so she says, is because she’s got her period. So we sat and huged and kissed, etc, drank wine.
We where lying on the bed, and she said to me frankly “Pete, I can’t do long distance relationships”… obviously not something I want to hear. I love her to bits, and don’t want to loose her. That made me cry, one of thoose few things that do.
She initially didn’t understand why I was crying, she didn’t put two and two together to realise that what she had just said had upset me.
After a while I plucked up enough courage to tell her why I was crying. Explaining that I was worried about her, about us. She apparently has never tried a long distance relationship, she says that when she was with Mark, it hurt her to be away from him for more then a week. She was so very close (obsessed?) with him.
She spent all her time with him, it was rare that they wern’t together. She kinda realised how she’d spent so much time with him, and neglected her friends. She doesn’t want to do that again, but she also doesn’t want to neglect who she’s involved with (me).
I wasn’t overly sure at the end of the night where I stood, I think we’re gonna give it a go. She told me that she beleaved in fate. “If we survive the year apart, then we’re ment to be together, if we don’t then we’re note”.
So I guess I’ll still be visiting her regularly, as a boyfriend. Although she didn’t use the word boyfriend.
She’s invited me around this after noon to have a few beers in her garden and just chill. I’ll be ariving at her some time between 1:30pm and 2:00pm. I need to go home and get some lunch though, so it’s more likly to be 2pm or later.
I’ll let her know. I’m starting to miss my friends on DALnet. I’m not spending any real time online, I went online for a short period last night, but I got disconnected and I couldn’t be bothered to reconnect.
I’m still however not missing the administration side of things, although there’s a part of me that really does want to complete the CMS. I guess I’ll work on that more once I’m not seeing Millie every day, it’ll give me something to thing about. I wounder if Slaygon would mind a “For Millie” dedication, it’s not really for her, but I still want it to be for her. Dedication is a strange thing.
Millie’s off to Dan’s on Friday to sleep over for a few days, apparently he’s throwing a party. Good for thoose lot. I kinda feel left out, but as Millie explained last night, she likes to keep her bf and her friends seperate, I suppose it’s a form of safty net.
I did ask her last night if she trusts me, on a consious level, she said she does, I told her I trusted her. I also explained that I didn’t used to, because of the way we met, but I’ve calmed thoose fears.
She won’t tell me how she really feels about me, she told me about her parents, step parents, happened. Although I had pritty much guessed how that ended up, not to far distant from my past.
She’s got her real feelings for me locked up inside of her and she won’t tell me for fearing I’ll abuse/misuse it. It’s not personal to me, just she feels vunerable. I’m hoping she’ll learn to tell me things like that.
Right, your pritty much up to speed now. This is a fairly heafty diary entry. I’ve always got a fear about these that the power will die or something. Heh.
Okey, I’m off, have fun,
Pete.