Forgive me father for I have sinned.
The feeling something that I can not put a name to. I’m angry, upset, pissed off, unhappy, infact most of fucking negitive emotions. I’m stressed, which is making me depressed. My heart aches, like it’s strained, it feels heavy, tired, like it doesn’t want to go on any longer. I’m constantly holding back tears, trying to get on with my normal life.
I’m going to warn you now, some of you arn’t going to like what’s said in here, but tough fucking luck. I’ve tried to sit in the middle for to long, I can’t cope always trying to bend to both parties.
But why the fuck do I feel this way? It’s been a month since I last wrote in here, has that much happened, or has this been building up for much longer? Who knows.
Let’s look at what has happened. I got planet.alastria.net through a friend, got it cheaper then what it should have been, which is always good. Took me ages to set up right, it’s just about perfect now. I don’t even notice it’s there anymore, it’s just always in the background. Perhaps I worry about what people are going on it, or doing to it, but I doubt it, most of the people can be trusted.
So that’s not it, well probably not. I’ve been doing okey at work, apart from the asset database, what a fucking nightmare. The bitch boss expects it to be perfect, well how the fuck can it be if we can’t find the assets, it’s not my fucking fault my predicessor didn’t keep the database up to date.
I’m fed up of all the users who think they’re gods fucking gift, get a fucking clue, we help you. Like when we say we’ll do something, or we won’t be able to get out to you for a while, don’t go and phone our fucking bosses complaining. Especially when we say ring us back, and you fucking don’t.
Okey, so there’s one source of the problem, obviously. But work doesn’t end there, some morning I just dread going it because I know there will be someone who pisses you off, I don’t need the stress. I’m quiet happy to sit in bed all day. Work? Females? Yeah, well that would figure wouldn’t it. Why are all the attractive younge women taken? That figures doesn’t it. But hell that’s just life, they don’t really matter to me.
Millie’s a source of stress, the problem is I still love her, very deeply. We spoke again today, she’d been to Amsterdam over the weekend, lucky girl. She apparently had a whale of a time. We spoke about us, the fact that I still loved her, she told me that she loved me to. But due to the distance it just wasn’t possible, that hurts, still. I know the distance is to far, and it hurts because I love her, she loves me, but I still can’t have her. She’s moving into a new apartment soon, I may go visit her after she’s moved, she’s coming to England this December, maybe I could see her then. Just to meet up, and relax, have a cuddle, whatever. I just want to see her.
What else has happened? Oh yeah, the biggest fucking stress factor at the moment… Angela, Ant and Nat. I should have known this was coming, how fucking obvious was it. I’ll be damned how I missed this one. Angela splits up with Ant, Angela starts seeing someone one or two weeks later… yeah thank you so fucking much.
So now I’ve got an IRC channel that’s basically plagued by recent events, no one knows how the fuck to behave, because no one knows who’s side to take, if they should take a side. I knew this would drive us apart. So far I’ve tried to sit on the fence, but writing this, I realise that’s no longer possible. I can not continue to make two parties happy. It’s impossible.
So which side to choose, well, I think it’s bloody obvious what I have to do. It’s stressing me out dealing with it. While I’m still friends with both parties, although that friendship has been strained, and sometimes it appeared artifical. I’ve had to choose one out of the other, I’m not overly sure it’s possible to be both. Maybe it is, but who knows. At the moment, the stress is going to make me do something, and at this point it’s mainly for my own sanity. You’ll know about it when I do it.
At the end of the day, it’s only an IRC channel, contact me in private if you still want to talk after reading this. After all I still provide services for you, you’re welcome to continue using thoose services. At the end of the day, I still consider you a friend, but I can’t deal with the situation in channel at the moment.
If you think it’s sudden, then you’ve had your eyes closed, this has been starting to show up. In the past three days, I’ve had 5 people ask me if I’m alright, because I’ve just not been myself. Well this has to end, and it has to end now.
Ant said this would help me feel better, the release of everything pent up inside, he’s right, it has. I don’t want to be bothered by this any longer. If I’ve offended people I’m sorry, but this needed to be said.
Adios for now,
Pete.