Numb…
It’s been a while since I last posted here. I feel odd.
About two weeks ago our pet rabbit went in to have a tumour removed, she recovered the the op and all was good. Last Friday she stopped eating for some reason, my mother took her to the vet and she went in for another operation to have her teeth filed.
She’s still not eating properly, whether it’s because it hurts to eat, or she can’t swallow I don’t know. She nibbles and things chews and most of the time it just drops back out of her mouth.
I came home today and she’s not look to well. She’s starting to get thin, and she hasn’t been eating a lot. She tries and appears to want to eat, she gets excited when food comes out and disappointed when she can’t. She was force fed this afternoon after dinner, I’m not sure home much she was fed.
I came back in after going for fuel and found my self standing with my parents looking at a very lathargic rabbit on mums legs. She eventually was put down and she brightened up again looking for food, trying to eat things, giving up.
As much as this blog is about rabbit, it’s about me too. Since her first operation I’ve kinda felt a little numb… no really, that’s wrong. I haven’t felt anything at all.
I tried to build up some emotion and I couldn’t. I did feel bad though, I thought odd things about how it’d be better if she died sooner so she didn’t starve to death, and how dad and I couldn’t really say things as it would upset mum.
I think back to the recent US case with regards to Terri Schiavo, I had no issue with the moral grounds of her being allowed to die. I would not wish to live in a state like that, I acknowledge that some people may think that it is acceptable to them, but for me that quality of life would not be enough.
The only objection I have to the case was the manner in which she was allowed to die, while I accept the legal ground is bad, once it was decided that she was to be allowed to die, an assisted death should have been allowed.
I’d previously thought afte her tumour op about how putting her to sleep would have been kind. These in retrospect seem evil thoughts, but I’m not sure they were. I don’t want rabbit to suffer, but then again I don’t want to needlessly end her life.
When she was on mums knee looking faint, it looked like she was slipping away. Was it wrong of me to be glad that it thought it was nearly over for her? Maybe being away at uni for the past 4 years has shielded me from really getting attached to her, but I just don’t know.
I feel bad that until after that moment, I didn’t really feel anything for her. I don’t want her to die, but I don’t want her to suffer. Yes she is “just” an animal, but she’s intelligent, consious, I still believe she was the rabbit equivilent of some of our greatest thinkers.
I find my self woundering how long she’ll live, when will be the last time I see her alive. Yes right now I’m a little bit sniffly about the matter, I do care and I do love her as part of the family.
I was just amazed at how little attachment I had before. I guess now unless she starts eating normally now, she wont be with us much long. I find myself looking at her and thinking to myself “Safe Journey My Friend”.
For some reason it’s also bringing up thoughts of what will be next for her, for her consious. I do not believe in a religion, I do not believe in a god, or really in a heaven or hell. But I do not think that it can simply end, so I find myself just wishing her well with whatever is next.
I hope that in the morning she has eaten enough to keep her going, I hope even more that she gets better before my parents go away. But I’m a realist and understand that it may not happen.
Maybe it’s time that she has been called to serve El-ahrairah.
I’m going somewhere for now.
D.